Thursday, May 7, 2009

What's Up With the Doc 55? - Now What?

This is a wait and see week - something I don't do very well with. I finished radiation therapy for my hip on Monday. Dana-Farber thinks there will be results from the genetic testing of my tissue this week. I see the oncologist Friday for Zometa and the big NOW WHAT? discussion.

My nausea has finally resolved and I can taste food again. I'm still puny - I can't stand for longer than about 10 minutes at a time. I successfully caught the horse for the vet on Monday but completely wore myself out in the process. I have been experiencing new pain at the base of my skull/top of my neck - new metastatic disease? I also have very small, itchy, red skin lesions on my face and arm. What's that about? If the genetic testing doesn't show anything that qualifies me for a clinical study and I don't have any metastases that require immediate local treatment my oncologist is going to want to steam ahead with systemic treatment. I won't make any decision about that until I see the results of a scan at least 8 weeks off treatment (May 26), which works well for letting me scoot out of town at the end of next week for Emma's graduation. If the scan shows the same rate of growth that we've seen over the last 8 months I'm likely to say no treatment until symptoms dictate it. Why waste the few options I have left now? Obviously, if things are progressing more quickly than they were on treatment I'll have to rethink that.

Mostly, I'm really tired of this. The last year has been really hard on me, my family and the people I work with and for. For the first time I find myself very sad that I can't be the person I used to be. I can't be the wife my husband wanted. I can't be the rock of Gibralter mother my children need. I can't be the physician my employer contracted for. Sometimes I just wish this cancer would go ahead and kill me fast and hard, rather than the slow death by a million nibbles that I seem to be facing.

Sorry to be a Debby Downer. That's just what's up with the doc this week.


1 comment:

Nick said...

Lisa: Please stop apologizing for feeling bad. You don't have anything to be guilty about regarding your readers *or* your family. This happened to you arbitrarily, and you are doing everything you can to be strong and persevere, but you are not super woman.

Save your energy and spirit for dealing with the disease; it gives you permission to quit worrying so much about other people.