Wednesday, February 18, 2009

What's Up With the Doc 40? - Cranky Is Me

The volleyball weekend was dandy. Weather in DC was sunny and cool (Saturday) to cold (Monday). Hannah's team didn't do very well but my cousin's daughter's team took third in the 18 and under division and it was fun watching her play for the first time. I had a great brunch with friends on Saturday and then another one on Sunday with my stepsisters, their SOs, 5 kids between them and soon to be in-laws of one of the stepsisters.

I walked a fair amount all three days and could barely move by the time we got back to the hotel Saturday night so blew off the team dinner and went to bed. Sunday and Monday were a bit better for stamina. I've been having a fair amount of pelvic/hip pain which is probably from the Neulasta and the thumb that I had injected a little over a year ago is very uncomfortable again. The shoulder injection I had 10 days ago seems to slowly be working.

Mostly I am really cranky. I think I am angry about the chronic disease part of this whole deal, which makes me angry at myself since the alternative is dying. When I was first diagnosed I had to adjust to the concept that I might die pretty quickly and even though I understood, in theory, this whole chronic disease/disease control concept, I didn't really know what it meant. I'm tired of feeling borderline crappy all the time. I'm pissed that this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, that I really don't ever get the real me back. It's better than being dead, but it's not as good as not having this cancer.

I WILL get over this eventually. I don't do well with chronic low grade anger. I have to resolve what I'm feeling into something that is more supportive of getting the most out of whatever time I have left - especially if it's a lot of time. So I will move on from this to something more productive.

From the how I'm doing standpoint everything looks good. All my counts are good, no fever, mild nausea, moderate fatigue. Next visit to the doctor should be March 3rd for the next Alimta cycle then a scan on March 17th. This weekend Lindsay and I head for Canyon Ranch where we definitely plan to stay on the spa/pampering track rather than the fitness/wellness track. We get to watch the Oscars together Sunday night which should be a hoot and something we haven't done for years. The next weekend I'm off to Rochester for more volleyball.

For all of you looking for targets for your thoughts and prayers I could use some chill out and cheer up vibes this week.


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